Why did I break the fast early?
I psyched myself out; I allowed a disempowering thought-form to overtake my worldview, destroying my focus and sense of purpose. On the 5th day, I began to feel incredibly weak physically, and doing my normal mode of exercise to boost energy was not possible due to severe lightheadedness.
Going for walks, exercises and daily activities maintained my sense of purpose and motivation, but in the state of this weakness, I felt like I had nothing to turn to. This was hugely demoralizing for my efforts, and I tried to remedy the problem by smoking hash (marijuana). This only added to the weakness and sense of purposelessness I was feeling. Later, this became a major clue to the true cause of my health problems.
Finally on the 8th day, after 3 days of listlessness, depression and malaise, I started feeling intestinal seizing. I have H Pylori (Helicobacter pylori) which can flare up during times of dehydration, causing my digestive track to seize and stop working. Previously in life, when experiencing a severe flare up, I treated the seizing with Narcotics; Heroin, when I was an addict, and Medical drugs when going to the Hospital. The gut pain can be crippling.
However, this seizing was just a slowing of my digestion due to the fast and I misdiagnosed these sensations due to my lack of Mental clarity. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back, and I felt if I didn't break the fast now, I may suffer a major episode. This coupled with the physical weakness, not having done any work on the blog for several days due to Internet trouble, and low funds from lack of blogging, I gave my self every excuse I could to stop the fast.
Did I experience healing?
Yes. I was shocked by the healing effected in this short fast. There are several things, about my health and body, I just assumed were unchangeable. I have oily skin which can break out under certain conditions and all cleared up within the first 2 days. Sciatica, joint pain in my hips, shoulders and knees which also completely went away during the first few days (not totally healed though). Finally, I have an abscess which has been slowly healing since it opened earlier this year, and that dissolved in the first 3 days as well. Even after the fast I still have no major joint pain.
Additionally, I cut my mouth during the fast, which normally takes a few days to heal over, and by the next morning it was almost completely healed. I can definitely confirm enhanced healing effects of fasting.
Post Fast Analysis
For a detailed breakdown of my post fast protocol, watch the last video in the series:
The damage from my Psychout had a major impact on my post fast recovery. I ate quality food at first, but as a result of demoralization, I quickly reached for comfort foods. I knew eating simple raw fruit and veg was the best, but after having a few cookies my roommates offered me, the taste of sugary confections left me in a swoon; one of my bigger addictions as far as food goes. I found myself rationalizing eating more food I knew was bad for me. Eventually I was making Cinnamon Toast, with half a round bread, eating all to myself; definitely not advisable in any situation. I also ate Walnuts with Raisins, a nice healthy snack, but to the point of feeling bloated and stuffed. I literally gorged myself with no self control.
After 3 days of eating so much, I was bursting at the seams. Feeling bloated, cramped, and noticing my skin breaking out, I had a major revelation. I knew the importance of Mental Discipline on health, but seemed to forget it when setting my goals for this fast. I focused on my body, figuring I could throw all my chips on the table, forcing my mind to heal as a result of the fasting and deprivation. This worked in the past for me when getting off Heroin and Cocaine in 2004, but even then I had the knowledge of moving to Florida as a beacon of hope. After day 5, as I mentioned above, I had no way of generating emotional fire. A Passive modality vs an Active one, will always fail the test of time.
My addictions to comfort food, smoking hash, lack of exercise, etc. all stemmed from the same Causal Factor; Passivity of Intention (lack of purpose) and lack of Mental Discipline.
The 3 day binge, in contrast to the 9 day fast, made me aware of the 'Chasing the Dragon' thought-form I allow myself to get swept up in. At times, I try to fuel my emotional fire with food, hash, or laziness - yielding temporary satisfaction; this is the very definition of Addiction. The only lasting cure for addiction or Mental Laziness is within the Mental sphere. One would think doing a fast is easy - just stop eating - but it requires Mental Discipline and Focus, more Action than probably anything one's ever tried in their life; Mental Action. Many of the societal norms we never question are brought to our attention during a fast.
I realized for any lasting health, beit Physically, Emotionally or Mentally, I must wean myself off the comfort reactions (problem, reaction, solution) and address the Mental causes in my life. I have decided to stop smoking hash completely by the end of this year, as well as eliminate sugar and simple carbs from my diet; my Heroine of comfort foods. Presently, my goal is to cultivate the Mental Discipline needed to see a fast through; which I will attempt again in time. But more importantly, to find a more lasting Purpose in my life which will be revealed by completing a fast; not the reverse.
In my darker moments of self loathing, I forget this purpose, tending to focus on my inadequacies. I feel like no one loves me and I am a failure. The world ultimately rejects me despite all my efforts.
Ever since I was a child, I feel my purpose in this life is to do the Great Work, as it has been called in Alchemy. To Seek, Know and Act in Truth. This blog is one of many such outlets for this purpose. Further, to realize I am both the teacher and student. Through interacting with others closely and online, I get better at doing the work and actually serve others. These are not just self aggrandizing statements, I literally feel most alive when doing this, taking an opportunity to interact with anyone I can, regardless of who they are.
The revelation I had last night was finding this purpose again, putting the past few weeks into context. This failure to complete the fast, and all the footsteps that led to it, have given me a chance to reflect, discovering the root of my disquiet and reinvigorating my conviction to be better at who I am.
Goals for Next Fast
I intend to stop ingesting Hash altogether, as well as Nicotine and Caffeine. A raw Fruit and Vegetable regimen may help lay the foundations for a smoother fast. I suspect a shocked my system a bit last time, exacerbating the weakness period, due to poor eating habits prior to the fast.
Failing at anything in life can be hugely demoralizing, but it is one of the most empowering moments for transformation. I am so grateful to walk away from this experience having a renewed focus and sense of purpose. Failure is the first step on the road to success.
I want to extend the profound sense of gratitude I felt throughout this experience by sharing it with all of you. I received many pieces of advice from others and was able to offer my knowledge in ways that encouraged people; something that deeply touches me. The great work of uplifting ourselves and each other is my Prime Focus in this life.
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